BY SPARKY CHALMERS
Bomber Captain Patrice Jones had the dubious distinction of being the leagues best player without a victory.
A lucky horseshoe borrowed from superfan Mary Kate Murray didn’t work. A month-long diet of simply lucky charms and rabbits’ feet produced little more than upset stomachs. Even a hockey beard appeared to be trumped by poor luck. That was until eight other Bombers grabbed their proverbial razors and helped Jones get back to normalcy yesterday with an 18-9 drubbing of rival USCG.
“I mean, back-to-back-to-back All-Star Game appearances in centerfield?” Captain Steve Sartori said of his previously winless teammate. “But we were starting to get worried. The jinx is real. A jinx is very real.”
B&T rallied around a common goal. This was of course their bitter rival standing in their way. But recently, a bitter rival that has worn neck braces the morning following games against B&T. The Bombers are aptly named for power, and for years have stockpiled the attribute in droves. No team knows this better than USCG.
In the top of the first inning the first four men of the game hit homeruns over the left field fence. Andrew Gilfillan (who also hit a game-breaking grand slam in the 4th inning), Patrice Jones (who took luck into his own hands with three homers in the game), Ian Gold (who is currently riding a seven-game homerun streak), and Michael Barbara (who is giving an intern presentation this afternoon on how sweet his summer has been and would appreciate all the support, or heckling, in the cafeteria conference room).
After the bodybuilding exhibition around the bases, USCG fell pray to shellshock, while B&T continued to flash the “Awe.” Never before has a team employed two extra outfielders—not legal ones, but extras in the woods. With all the long homeruns flying off the Bomber bats, USCG completed a cost-benefit analysis and calculated that they should expend team resources to save lost softballs.
“Never seen that before,” Jones said.
The Bombers continued to tack on runs via the homerun, but also incorporated their elite speed on the bases to steal run after run; equally as demoralizing as the long ball. Janine Lucas batted at the end of the lineup but made multiple clutch plays that allowed for additional runs. A timely two-out walk gave Gilfillan the chance for his grand slam, and an RBI single later turned the lineup over and continued to push the deficit.
“Our defense was on-point tonight,” pitcher Ian Gold said. “Out of all the teams in the league it’s the first place squad that hates facing our defense most. When they were scratching and clawing to make up two runs of the deficit, and then we come right back and score another three? That kills your spirit.”
All efforts for a comeback were thwarted when the infield locked down. Gold, the pitcher, took a line drive off the chest and managed an out at first. James Heine moved back to last year’s position (third base) and made multiple strong throws to get runners, and in the last inning Kim Lovato made a stab in the hole between first and second to shut the door.
“We just wanted Patrice to get a win already,” Lovato said. “That and I just wanted to get back to my penthouse in the city as soon as possible. Povo drives me crazy. Know what I mean?”
The Bombers are back in action tonight in Park Ridge, they’ll take on SSA.
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